i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
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I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
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It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
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