That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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