my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
