the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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