Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
