Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
