meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
