you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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