he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
