im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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