apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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