i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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