Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
