I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
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last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
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My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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