She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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