lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
