My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
