If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
