I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
