non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
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He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
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I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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