i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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