My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
