theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
