so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
