too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
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I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
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Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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