I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
