My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
