I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
