my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
