I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
