But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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