I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize