I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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