hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
