Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
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I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
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I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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