I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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