I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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