There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
