i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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