Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
