My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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