I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
