final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
