Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
