I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you traded sex for a burrito?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
