I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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