made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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