Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm bleeding and have questions
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize