just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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