my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
