Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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