Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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