So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
