i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
