I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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